Potty Time

If your child is suppose to be asleep for the night, but you hear them over the monitor, saying "potty time, potty time", hopefully you don't get too excited and let them up to go potty, unless you know for sure that is what they mean.  I grabbed her hand all happy, saying how wonderful it was that she told me she needed to go potty.  She walked me down the stairs, and I'm thinking, okay, she wants to use her potty chair this time, instead of the big toilet.  We get down stairs, mind you, it's 11 pm by now.  She walks towards her potty chair and the more excited I get, the more excited she gets.  She pulls her potty chair up to the coffee table and sits on it.....with the lid closed.  She grabs her tea set and says "come on Mommy, it's PARTY time!"  Should have seen that one coming.

Dirty Dirt

If your child is playing outside and seems a little more focused on a dirt pile than usual, you might want to go check that dirt pile out to make sure it is indeed a dirt pile and not a pile of cat poop.  I asked her why she was playing in cat poop and she told me it wasn't cat poop, that it was just "dirty dirt".

Now THAT's Clean!

While folding your laundry, you hear your child in their room saying "wash your hair, wash your hair.".  Now as much as you need to finish this mound of clothes, you might just want to go check and see what they  are washing their hair with.  When you do, try not to panic as you walk in and see your child's hair all creamy and wet, it might just be that whole tube of Butt Paste they found in the drawer.  Also, when you ask them what happened, don't be surprised to hear, "Look Mommy, now THAT's clean!".

I Stuck!

It's early and you hear those dreaded words, "I stuck, Mommy, I stuck!".  Time to go see what "stuck" means today.  Little did I expect her to have a empty roll of toilet paper pulled up over her foot and ankle.  How she did that without breaking the tube, I have no idea, but she was stuck and as I gently tear the tube off her ankle, I'm thinking to myself....."hmmm, I wonder where I'll find all the tissue that was on this roll!".

Bedtime Buddy

Some times kids get things past you.   No really, they do.  While listening to the baby monitor, you happen to hear a sentence over and over that has you wondering if you should go rock the boat and see what's going on in there, or just leave well enough alone.  Darn curiosity got me again.  "Hewwo bug, what awea you doing hewea?"  Can you blame me?  Turns out, she did have a bug in her room.  Well, the shell of a bug.  Little Missy sure was sneaky bringing that Cicada shell in to bed with her.  I could have sworn I told her to leave it outside.

Shrek has nothing on my two year old

While cooking dinner, you think you hear your child running in the living room, yelling loudly "I cwean I cwean."  When and if you decide to go see how CLEAN your child is, don't be surprised if you look to find that not only are they NOT CLEAN, but they are also GREEN.  This kiddo ate an avocado, peel and all.  Well, I should say she was wearing an avocado....and she was right, she was "gween".

Jelly Bean

If you child is running towards you and yelling "jelly bean, jelly bean", it's probably anything BUT a jelly bean.  On this occasion, prepare yourself to be handed a fur ball your cat just threw up.  That was wet and slimy and just plain gross.

Listen Carefully

Your child is going to get sick once in a while.  That is life.  Just try to remember not to panic when they are slowly pacing the house, saying what sounds like "soooo cooooold, soooooo coooold."  Before you go drugging them with Tylenol,  wrapping them up like a burrito and shoving a thermometer under their arm pit, you might want to listen carefully, because they could just be begging for a snow cone.  Sadly it took me 30 minutes and a two year old dragging me to the cabinet where the snow cone machine is, to realize she wasn't cold at all.

Hair Ball

If your child starts gagging and coughing, you most likely are going to think they are choking on something and run to help.  What you probably won't think of, is that they could be choking on cat hair, because they decided to help the kitty clean his back.

Daddy Might Just Do This

I let Daddy sleep in till 11a.m., so when he got up, I asked him as he was heading down the stairs, to get the kiddo some apple juice.  He comes back upstairs with his huge, manly coffee cup and as he walks by, I hear him spit out his drink and mumble under his breath, "crap, that's not coffee".  He comes in my room with a sour look on his face, so I say "apple juice in the coffee cup again?".

Sucka

If you hear you child in the other room saying "yummy, sucka", you might want to go in there and save their tongue from being rubbed raw by a pink nail file.

Foaming at the Mouth

If your little one is outside playing, try not to panic when you see them walk in the door screaming while foam and bubbles are coming out of their mouth.   They likely DO NOT have rabies, it's probably just that they found the bubbles you forgot to pick up off the patio.  These next few diapers are gonna be fun.

Too Hot To Handle

If you ask your two year old to bring you their pants, be ready to be handed a pair of Daddy's boxers that happen to say "too hot to handle" around the waist band.  On top of that, be prepared to witness a mini tantrum when you try to explain to them that these are NOT their pants.

Puffy Pants

I've come to realize that children not only say the darndest things, but they DO the darndest things too.  If your child comes in the room and their pants look a little puffy (or a lot puffy), don't be surprised if when you go to change them, it's not bodily fluids you find inside the diaper, because it might just be a whole freaking roll of toilet paper shoved in there.  Baby really did have back!

Recycled Water

If you child comes in the room where you are cleaning with a mouth full of liquid, don't assume it's water from their sippy cup.  You may be terrified to find out that Daddy left the toilet seat up, and that is indeed recycled water they are swishing around in their mouth.  At least it was flushed water.