A Gift

If your child comes in the room flailing a pair of men's boxers around, and you ask her where she got them, don't be too surprised if she replies, "Daddy gave them to me!".

Dramatic Ever?

If you tell your toddler it's lunch time and you are having sandwiches with an avocado tomato salad, try not to laugh when they dramatically act as though they are going to just pass right out with disappointment, because to them, the fact that they wanted pizza instead, is apparently the end of the world! 

Mouth Art

If you enter your room and notice that your wall mirror has smudges on it in very odd shapes, don't be surprised if when you finally see your child licking the mirror, she tells you that it's "mouf art".

Catch Mommy

If your child is playing with a bug catcher, and comes up to you saying "catch Mommy", try not to screech in pain as she decides that the part of Mommy she needs to catch, is a very sensitive PMSing breast.

Fast Finger

When your child walks in the room playing a harmonica, with a female product in hand, don't be surprised if when you ask her what is it that she is holding, she tells you, "Momma, dats my supa fwast finga!"

7 AM Lollipop

If your two year old disappears upstairs while you are trying to make coffee and you hear her running down to you, saying "lollipop", don't be surprised if when she reaches you, her lollipop happens to have the word "TAMPAX" written on the package.

Mind Your Manners

If your child is just starting to learn her manners, don't be surprised if she slips up now and then. 

 While fixing my Daughter lunch, she runs up to me and says “Give me Momma, give me!”. 

 I told her to be patient and mind her manners. 

 She gently tugs on my pant leg and says..

"you fogot to say pwease, Momma."

Maybe I need a time out now.

Potty Time

If your child is suppose to be asleep for the night, but you hear them over the monitor, saying "potty time, potty time", hopefully you don't get too excited and let them up to go potty, unless you know for sure that is what they mean.  I grabbed her hand all happy, saying how wonderful it was that she told me she needed to go potty.  She walked me down the stairs, and I'm thinking, okay, she wants to use her potty chair this time, instead of the big toilet.  We get down stairs, mind you, it's 11 pm by now.  She walks towards her potty chair and the more excited I get, the more excited she gets.  She pulls her potty chair up to the coffee table and sits on it.....with the lid closed.  She grabs her tea set and says "come on Mommy, it's PARTY time!"  Should have seen that one coming.

Dirty Dirt

If your child is playing outside and seems a little more focused on a dirt pile than usual, you might want to go check that dirt pile out to make sure it is indeed a dirt pile and not a pile of cat poop.  I asked her why she was playing in cat poop and she told me it wasn't cat poop, that it was just "dirty dirt".

Now THAT's Clean!

While folding your laundry, you hear your child in their room saying "wash your hair, wash your hair.".  Now as much as you need to finish this mound of clothes, you might just want to go check and see what they  are washing their hair with.  When you do, try not to panic as you walk in and see your child's hair all creamy and wet, it might just be that whole tube of Butt Paste they found in the drawer.  Also, when you ask them what happened, don't be surprised to hear, "Look Mommy, now THAT's clean!".

I Stuck!

It's early and you hear those dreaded words, "I stuck, Mommy, I stuck!".  Time to go see what "stuck" means today.  Little did I expect her to have a empty roll of toilet paper pulled up over her foot and ankle.  How she did that without breaking the tube, I have no idea, but she was stuck and as I gently tear the tube off her ankle, I'm thinking to myself....."hmmm, I wonder where I'll find all the tissue that was on this roll!".

Bedtime Buddy

Some times kids get things past you.   No really, they do.  While listening to the baby monitor, you happen to hear a sentence over and over that has you wondering if you should go rock the boat and see what's going on in there, or just leave well enough alone.  Darn curiosity got me again.  "Hewwo bug, what awea you doing hewea?"  Can you blame me?  Turns out, she did have a bug in her room.  Well, the shell of a bug.  Little Missy sure was sneaky bringing that Cicada shell in to bed with her.  I could have sworn I told her to leave it outside.

Shrek has nothing on my two year old

While cooking dinner, you think you hear your child running in the living room, yelling loudly "I cwean I cwean."  When and if you decide to go see how CLEAN your child is, don't be surprised if you look to find that not only are they NOT CLEAN, but they are also GREEN.  This kiddo ate an avocado, peel and all.  Well, I should say she was wearing an avocado....and she was right, she was "gween".

Jelly Bean

If you child is running towards you and yelling "jelly bean, jelly bean", it's probably anything BUT a jelly bean.  On this occasion, prepare yourself to be handed a fur ball your cat just threw up.  That was wet and slimy and just plain gross.

Listen Carefully

Your child is going to get sick once in a while.  That is life.  Just try to remember not to panic when they are slowly pacing the house, saying what sounds like "soooo cooooold, soooooo coooold."  Before you go drugging them with Tylenol,  wrapping them up like a burrito and shoving a thermometer under their arm pit, you might want to listen carefully, because they could just be begging for a snow cone.  Sadly it took me 30 minutes and a two year old dragging me to the cabinet where the snow cone machine is, to realize she wasn't cold at all.